Cut off your nose to spite your face
I love old-fashioned sayings like this, as they usually express some bit of folk wisdom in a pithy and vivid way.
Think about the image--I am angry with my face for whatever reason and want to teach it a lesson. What would make my face suffer? Why, cutting off its nose!
So I hurt myself doubly to even up a score--I first am hurt by whatever my face did that made me angry, and then I am hurt by losing my own nose.
Who would be so ridiculous as to do this? Why, all of us are! This saying is a remark on taking revenge.
Revenge or avenge? A side note
Since I teach writing, I am as careful as I can be to use correct words--the words that most precisely express the exact meaning I want to express.
I just looked up revenge, to be sure I am not mixing it up with avenge. Here is what I found at https://writingexplained.org/avenge-vs-revenge-difference :
Avenge is a verb meaning to inflict a punishment or penalty for an injury or a wrong.
Revenge is both a noun and a verb and generally means the act of taking vengeance for injuries or wrongs; retaliation. While revenge can function as a verb, it is much more common for it to be seen as a noun.
Well..I don't feel completely enlightened by these definitions, as they seem quite similar. I read more and found a distinction:
So the right word for the act of cutting off your nose to spite your face is revenge. No one would cut off their own nose as an impersonal method to right an injustice--it would be absurd to think logically and come up with the notion that hurting yourself will punish someone else.
But revenge! It's hot and emotional, rash and heedless. It lashes out at whatever is at hand at the moment, so your nose, sitting there right in front of you, is the perfect thing to punish! Take that, face--go through life with no way to breathe!
Cold revenge
If you, the reader, are clever, you have probably already decided that seeking revenge in a way that obviously hurts yourself is foolish. So it's best not to act in the heat of the moment, but to wait and choose a more suitable revenge--one that will not hurt you.
This brings to mind another saying: revenge is a dish best served cold. In other words, restrain yourself from expressing the feelings that are pushing you into a hasty and senseless kind of revenge. Wait until you have calmed down and can act more reasonably. But hidden, perhaps, in this saying is the idea that you may decide not to seek revenge at all, when your mind is clear and your emotions are back under control.
Revenge always boomerangs right back at you, no matter how or when it's done
My view of living a life with purpose and meaning hints that both sayings summarize the consequences of revenge.
1. You can hurt yourself immediately and maybe irrevocably by acting in the heat of the moment. In real terms, cutting off your own nose could mean destroying a relationship that is valuable just because of one incident or remark by the other person that gets under your skin.
You are insulted or damaged by what that person did or said, so you strike back, going for the throat. Too often, your cruel revenge ends the entire relationship, when all you meant to do was inflict a bit of pain in retaliation for the pain you received. Destroyed relationships can seldom be restored.
2. The "cold revenge" can have the same disastrous effect. This calculating kind of revenge, built around lulling the person who's offended you into thinking they got away with it, can be satisfying for a moment. But it has the same effect as hot revenge--damaging relationships.
If not revenge, then what?
So what can you do when insulted, wounded, kicked to the curb, thrown under the bus, left for dead by the side of the road? Isn't it human to seek revenge?
Of course. If revenge were not an attractive option, I wouldn't be writing this post. Revenge seems to right the wrong and restore a balance.
But revenge also extracts a cost. Whether hot or cold, revenge continues the cycle of causing pain and makes it harder for the next move to be something other than revenge. And even if you reason that you don't want the relationship anyway, the severing of it may affect you and those you care about for the rest of your lives and beyond, to your descendants.
Most of us know stories of families split beyond repair by revenge. Maybe even your own family has suffered, its nose cut off from its face.
So you could decide that, as Harry Truman said, "The buck stops here." You will not keep passing the buck--passing on the "responsibility" to take revenge. You will let the matter end with you.
Not seeking revenge is not the same as forgiving
Deciding to ignore an insult is not the same as forgiving it. If you want to learn about forgiveness. you can Google it and find thousands of definitions, strategies, and rationales for forgiving people, so I won't go into it here.
In short, though, forgiving is an attitude and act having to do with evaluating an insult. Ignoring the insult is much simpler: you simply turn away from it.
This is not easy. It takes practice and self-discipline to turn aside the anger and hurt that follow a big injury. What I find helpful is to examine my hurt feelings and notice that what's usually hurt is my pride. Well, pride is cheap, and I can always get more of it if I need it!
What is not cheap is self-respect, a sense of proportion in regard to my own importance, and the knowledge that I have acted fairly in the face of unfairness. These are hand-won personal attributes that I cherish and that I have developed precisely through hurtful attacks by others---when I don't seek revenge.
In other words, you can train your mind to see vicious, uncalled-for behavior by people who mean to hurt you as opportunities for you to grow as a human being. Although this mindset will not take away the pain of the behavior, it will allow you to understand yourself as someone who does not have to act in the same way. You can meet cruelty without responding in kind.
I am not perfect!
Now, this is not to say that I always meet my own goal of not taking revenge! I am as guilty as anyone of making a cutting remark to my nearest and dearest when I feel slighted. But when I do, I don't feel pleased with my snide remark. I resolve not to be pulled into the cycle of attack-revenge--new attack--new revenge. I resolve to let the buck stop here.
I resolve to leave my nose in peace.
Think about the image--I am angry with my face for whatever reason and want to teach it a lesson. What would make my face suffer? Why, cutting off its nose!
So I hurt myself doubly to even up a score--I first am hurt by whatever my face did that made me angry, and then I am hurt by losing my own nose.
Who would be so ridiculous as to do this? Why, all of us are! This saying is a remark on taking revenge.
Revenge or avenge? A side note
Since I teach writing, I am as careful as I can be to use correct words--the words that most precisely express the exact meaning I want to express.
I just looked up revenge, to be sure I am not mixing it up with avenge. Here is what I found at https://writingexplained.org/avenge-vs-revenge-difference :
Avenge is a verb meaning to inflict a punishment or penalty for an injury or a wrong.
Revenge is both a noun and a verb and generally means the act of taking vengeance for injuries or wrongs; retaliation. While revenge can function as a verb, it is much more common for it to be seen as a noun.
Well..I don't feel completely enlightened by these definitions, as they seem quite similar. I read more and found a distinction:
- Avenge is usually an attempt to right a wrong that was done to someone else, not to you. It's a more impersonal act, done to satisfy the idea of justice.
- Revenge is most often an act of retaliation against a perceived injury done to oneself. It's personal and may be done in anger, when emotions are in charge.
So the right word for the act of cutting off your nose to spite your face is revenge. No one would cut off their own nose as an impersonal method to right an injustice--it would be absurd to think logically and come up with the notion that hurting yourself will punish someone else.
But revenge! It's hot and emotional, rash and heedless. It lashes out at whatever is at hand at the moment, so your nose, sitting there right in front of you, is the perfect thing to punish! Take that, face--go through life with no way to breathe!
Cold revenge
If you, the reader, are clever, you have probably already decided that seeking revenge in a way that obviously hurts yourself is foolish. So it's best not to act in the heat of the moment, but to wait and choose a more suitable revenge--one that will not hurt you.
This brings to mind another saying: revenge is a dish best served cold. In other words, restrain yourself from expressing the feelings that are pushing you into a hasty and senseless kind of revenge. Wait until you have calmed down and can act more reasonably. But hidden, perhaps, in this saying is the idea that you may decide not to seek revenge at all, when your mind is clear and your emotions are back under control.
Revenge always boomerangs right back at you, no matter how or when it's done
My view of living a life with purpose and meaning hints that both sayings summarize the consequences of revenge.
1. You can hurt yourself immediately and maybe irrevocably by acting in the heat of the moment. In real terms, cutting off your own nose could mean destroying a relationship that is valuable just because of one incident or remark by the other person that gets under your skin.
You are insulted or damaged by what that person did or said, so you strike back, going for the throat. Too often, your cruel revenge ends the entire relationship, when all you meant to do was inflict a bit of pain in retaliation for the pain you received. Destroyed relationships can seldom be restored.
2. The "cold revenge" can have the same disastrous effect. This calculating kind of revenge, built around lulling the person who's offended you into thinking they got away with it, can be satisfying for a moment. But it has the same effect as hot revenge--damaging relationships.
If not revenge, then what?
So what can you do when insulted, wounded, kicked to the curb, thrown under the bus, left for dead by the side of the road? Isn't it human to seek revenge?
Of course. If revenge were not an attractive option, I wouldn't be writing this post. Revenge seems to right the wrong and restore a balance.
But revenge also extracts a cost. Whether hot or cold, revenge continues the cycle of causing pain and makes it harder for the next move to be something other than revenge. And even if you reason that you don't want the relationship anyway, the severing of it may affect you and those you care about for the rest of your lives and beyond, to your descendants.
Most of us know stories of families split beyond repair by revenge. Maybe even your own family has suffered, its nose cut off from its face.
So you could decide that, as Harry Truman said, "The buck stops here." You will not keep passing the buck--passing on the "responsibility" to take revenge. You will let the matter end with you.
Not seeking revenge is not the same as forgiving
Deciding to ignore an insult is not the same as forgiving it. If you want to learn about forgiveness. you can Google it and find thousands of definitions, strategies, and rationales for forgiving people, so I won't go into it here.
In short, though, forgiving is an attitude and act having to do with evaluating an insult. Ignoring the insult is much simpler: you simply turn away from it.
This is not easy. It takes practice and self-discipline to turn aside the anger and hurt that follow a big injury. What I find helpful is to examine my hurt feelings and notice that what's usually hurt is my pride. Well, pride is cheap, and I can always get more of it if I need it!
What is not cheap is self-respect, a sense of proportion in regard to my own importance, and the knowledge that I have acted fairly in the face of unfairness. These are hand-won personal attributes that I cherish and that I have developed precisely through hurtful attacks by others---when I don't seek revenge.
In other words, you can train your mind to see vicious, uncalled-for behavior by people who mean to hurt you as opportunities for you to grow as a human being. Although this mindset will not take away the pain of the behavior, it will allow you to understand yourself as someone who does not have to act in the same way. You can meet cruelty without responding in kind.
I am not perfect!
Now, this is not to say that I always meet my own goal of not taking revenge! I am as guilty as anyone of making a cutting remark to my nearest and dearest when I feel slighted. But when I do, I don't feel pleased with my snide remark. I resolve not to be pulled into the cycle of attack-revenge--new attack--new revenge. I resolve to let the buck stop here.
I resolve to leave my nose in peace.
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